Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated to appear at Rooftop Film Festival in NYC
Well folks, we have some good news to bring to you slobs if you can pull your lice-ridden heads out of your blood-stained assholes for one day to read something that isn’t written partially with numbers and emoticons.
Our humble little comedy video has now been deemed a “film” and as such will be screened in New York this summer as part of the Rooftop Films Summer Series for 2010. And yes this means Ben and myself will have to bury the hatchet on our long-standing beef with the East Coast.
As painful as it is do so, and as loath as we are to do it, we must thank the lot of you greasy-fingered, pasty-faced shut-ins for ceasing to masturbate for a grand total of three minutes to watch our little viral business and send it to your many virtual “friends” thereby skyrocketing Ben and Ryan to bi-coastal fame.
So stay tuned for more updates and a brand new video to come soon. Until then you may go back to your feasting on Ruby Red Squirt and Cheeseburger flavored Doritos while you cackle and type out LOL well into the wee hours of the morning.
Men University Course Catalogue
The two of us have always maintained an interest in our respective family histories, so when we recently found that we both had great great uncles who had been graduates of a little known university for gentlemen we were, understandably, very excited. We quickly did some research and came across this, the only remaining catalogue of course descriptions from Men U: A University for the Modern Gentleman.
In Defense of Ourselves
As this is the first blog for our new website, We've decided to address a couple of issues that have been of some minor concern lately. To begin with neither Ben nor I had any idea our recent video would become so widely viewed. The response has been, for the most part, favorable.
There are those few, though, whose initial response - possibly of the knee-jerk variety - has been on the whole, negative. Offended at what they perceive to be two, smug, elitist, privileged white snobs maligning an ethnic subculture and, subsequently, an entire race of which they have little, if any understanding of, these few have apparently felt obliged to tell us in no uncertain terms their exact feelings about us and our video.
The charge made against us is one of racism. Now normally it is compulsory here to contest the label of "racist" with a brief history of the many instances wherein one proved just the opposite - a comprehensive list of acquaintances of varying ethnic backgrounds, the admission of a past interest in a particular culture or music alien to one's own ethnicity, donations made to various organizations, etc. We won't bore you with any such cliche diatribes for the simple reason that we can't. Both Ben and myself have had nearly no contact with individuals of any race, color or creed other than our own. In fact, the both of us have had very little contact with anyone other than each other. Most of our knowledge is of the 'book' variety, although we frequently peruse a number of periodicals and scholarly journals to keep abreast of the goings-on in contemporary society. The musical style referred to, variously as hip hop, rap, urban and urban-alternative, while creative in its own right, is of no particular interest to us other than sociologically. The music itself is rather a travesty and should be of no interest to anyone over the age of ten.
It is, however, of great interest to us that simply viewing relatively unaltered footage of a group of people engaged in a musical sport with an altogether not uncommon ending should inspire so much anger and guilt as well as laughter. It was never our intention to evoke any of these responses. We were in fact working on our joint thesis project for our doctorate in Anthropic Physics at S.C.U.
So in closing, while we make no apologies for the perceived offensiveness of the clip, we also would like to discourage the further misreading of this video as some sort of comedic entertainment which it most certainly is not.
Boobs. Cars. Beer.
When I queried Ben as to what he found to be a worthwhile topic for my next blog, Mr. Hays, after some brief reflection, responded with "boobs, cars and beer." I was immediately amused at his fatuous response but upon further contemplation I came to the conclusion that his suggestion was, in fact sincere, and worthy of attention. Upon another round of contemplation I came to the conclusion that I was not entirely sober and was still feeling the effects of a bottle of whiskey, the better part of which I had consumed in an attempt to free myself from the stifling constraints of a particularly powerful bout of writer's block. Ben has on numerous occasions relayed to me with profound intensity and in a highly animated manner, his infatuation with all three of this blogs titular words. So I will, in a spirit of friendship (a spirit that is currently strained nearly to its breaking point), make an honest attempt to oblige Ben. So here goes nothing.
Boobs.
There isn't much here for me to elaborate on. Let's see...I've touched a few, I've seen a few. I still enjoy the sight of them, and occasionally a particularly well proportioned pair of them will distract me long enough to cause me to forgo my usually hyper-attentive awareness of my surroundings as I amble down the street and lead me to lose my footing and fall, feet first, into an open manhole to the uproarious delight of lookers-on as well as the unamused disdain of the sweaty, hispanic city workers whose day just got a little longer. Sorry fellas.
Cars.
I used to love them. As a lad of about twelve I was completely enthralled at the sight of a Lamborghini Countache or a Ferrari Something-or-other. I would watch the opening minutes of Cannonball Run with a fetishistic earnestness, replete with semi-erection and a tingly feeling in the undercarriage. After reaching the age of sixteen I lost any and all interest in the design and performance of motor vehicles. They are, in my opinion, a complete and utter waste of time and money. I drive one, yes, for reasons of convenience and necessity but if it were possible, and I hope someday to make this a reality, I should have nothing to do with cars for the rest of my leisurely life.
Beer.
I am loath to admit it but I have consumed a great many of these ghastly concoctions in my time and, now at the ripe old age of thirty one, I can safely admit that should I never see one again for my remaining years on this trivial planet I would go on as if nothing had altered a tittle.
So I hope you are pleased with yourself, Ben. I've wasted a good half of an hour blathering on in response to your non-sequitor. If you need me I'll be confined in my quarters drafting apology letters to our readers.
Oh Holy Shit!
Boy oh boy, we've had a whirlwind week here at the ol' benandryan.com. Our offices are located in the boiler room of the Larry Flynt Publications building in beautiful Beverly Hills. The response we've gotten from the "Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated" video have been completely fascinating, and at times downright boring! We really had no idea so many people actually care about anything posted on the internerd. The last time I SERIOUSLY browsed the web (or 'surfin' the net' as it was in 1996,) I was looking at "furry" porn, and I came accross a video to end all videos, (except for Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated.) Ryan walked in on me half naked with a handful of semi, and boy was he surprised! He was hoppin' mad! He doesn't really use the internet for what the rest of us use it for (Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated and fetish porn.) He proceeded to scold me for my habit as I was finishing up. We got into a huge argument over whom was to maintain creative control of our enterprise. There were some harmful words exchanged, words that I'm sure Ryan wishes he could take back, followed by a slap boxing fight, followed then by a knife fight. He got a few good stabs in, but I think overall, I came out on top. That guy should be kissing my hairy beanbag for employing him in the first place, and so should all of you for the pleasure you've derived from "Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated." Stay tuned to benandryan.com (soon to be ben.com,) for details about the novelization of the video.
My resume in case Ben fires me.
COMPETENCIES
* always irie * flexible ( in every sense of the word )
* recognizable * strong possible potential skillsmanshipery
EDUCATION Dr. Chief Rainclouds New School For Social Betterment
* BA in Communications / Emphasis in Listening
* PhD in Exploratology
* Course work included extensive explorations of self
* Extensive research on historical exploratory figures
* History of Exploration / emphasis on space exploration
EXPERIENCE 2006 - present Self Unemployed Santa Ana, Ca.
* Hangabout.
* Nap. Make and drink coffee. Watch the View.
2005 - 2006 Darrow, Darrow & Bernstein Orange, Ca.
* Business Man
* Wore business attire. Made and drank coffee. Fired people.
* Power lunched. Told secretary to hold all my calls.
* Cleared my throat and straightened my tie.
2004 - 2005 Statesville Prison Fort Worth, La.
* Inmate 3364369
* Convicted of tresspassing. Assault. Tax evasion. Fraud.
* Smoked. Lifted weights. Had oral sex. Watched the View.
2003 - 2004 Lucky Lous Investigations Carson, Ca.
* Owner and head P.I.
* Stared. Hid in doorways. Made and drank coffee.
* Drove around LA and Orange County. Wore disguises.
* Photographed people having sex. Smoked.
2001 - 2003 Continental Op Investigations Yuma, Nv.
* Secretary
* Answered phone calls. Typed. Made and drank coffee.
* Wrote things down. Daydreamed.
2000 - 2001 Old Zekes Greek Eats Roswell, NM
* Sorted and scooped feta
* Inspected olive jars
* Cleaned restrooms
1996 - 2000 Cowering Pines Cemetary Catskills, NY
* Grave Digger
* Wore overalls. Used oil lamp. Leaned on shovell.
* Sang Irish folk tunes. Laughed in a creepy manner.
* Kept a consistently dirt smeared face.
1990 - 1996 Cannot recall. Total blank. Everywhere.
* Unsure as to my whereabouts or activities but I
have a box of photos and concert ticketrs from
those years. Photos include:
* Me in a field without shirt ( I look happy )
* Me and some long haired types in a VW van
* Me and what looks like a woman, naked, in bed playing a
banjo
* Me and president George Bush Sr. shaking hands
* Me and lomg haired types skinny dipping in a river ( I look
confused )
* Me and a Native American sharing a bowl of something
( Native American looks bored )
1985 - 1990 AT&T GE PacBell Bell West LA, Ca.
* Freelance Dial Tone
* Made dial tone noise for hours at a time
* Made and drank coffee
* Cleaned the restrooms
1931 - 1939 Travellin' Hobo All over America
* Rode the rails. Ate soup. Smoked.
* Slept. Got drunk on shine. Sang folk tunes.
* Ran from the yard johns. Stole apple pies.
* Fished in local rivers and lakes ( only ever caught an old
boot and a tire )
* Wrote a novel
1889 - 1925 Painter Paris, France
* Painted
* Sat at cafe with other painters
* Started art movement called "the Movement"
* Wrote a manifesto ( first and last drafts )
* Contracted syphilis
* Died